Hazy Daze

Manic depressive...noooo..lets go with bipolar..then I have an opportunity for happiness..
Hypocondriac..evil..a walking disappointment..an oblivious conniving charade..
A mental facade corrupt by emotional inadequacies..surrounded and controlled by someone else's thoughts..
Like..

"You may think I'm nothing special, but I'm special to HER...she likes my hands, my ears, my eyes, my curves..like a blanket covering her mirror, she cant see herself without ME..Us finished?..no more?..Now that would be a crime against humanity."

Or even..

"How dare you look into my eyes and lie..Commit crimes against emotion and say LOVE."

Manipulative mind..with a malicious spirit..a kind hearted soul..with the anger and vigor of a lion..I think in double standard and simplify what's been simplified..I complicate the unnecessary..I traipse back and forth over thoughts..a tug-of-war between sane and insanity..an up hill battle i'm attempting with one leg..I despise the joy brought on by insincerity and laugh at the pain felt by the incompetent..
Mental blockade..
Thoughts stagnated by the municipalities and litigation of the cerebellum..
A process for which no resolution is in sight

What To Do

Mental take down
can't fight it
over powered
continuously masking real emotion
put on a good face
to save face
truthful to those that matter
closed to those that don't
walls as high as the tallest building
refusal to show you the person i am
cant let you get too close
afraid you'll judge me
see a part of me
that i don't see
...paranoia???...
CAN anybody see
that I'm not being
the person i was put on this earth to be???
id rather be a slave to the economy
than to allow you visual and mental stimulation
exposure of my talents??
I'm my biggest critic, I judge myself so harshly
so i settle
fully aware that i could be one of the greats
but I'd rather deprive you of me
and leave this earth the way i came in it...alone

why me

Lost in a whirlwind of heartbreak and disappointment
Catapulted by someone or thing who thought i could handle it
Misery loves company but I'm always by myself
Intentionally isolating my negative from everyone else
The joy of birth, overshadowed by death
Not even during a celebration can we enjoy the gift
So sick of this life, but too intelligent to give up
You'd think after so much, we'd wise up
I quit, give up, I surrender
Don't want responsibility anymore,
so often said but always ignored
Amazed that no one can tell I'm reaching my limit
I talk a big game but I'm done i admit it
Maybe I'm not as strong as i think
I'm disappearing, into my own troubles i sink
I put my self last, spouse second, family first
putting an end to that line up, would make things worse
Seeing every relationship beginning and ending the same
They cant handle it and I'm alone again
I give so much and ask for so little in return
But where would i go to seek it, animosity caused bridges to burn
Never ahead or even caught up
Generation after the next, with no long term set ups
It was given to me to change these things
But that's something that i wish had skipped me
Haven't been given the opportunity to start my life
All my goals have been set aside
To make life comfortable for my "pride"

She said, "when we were kids 'the guy' raped me"...response to her statement was a solid blank stare
She said, "I didn't know how to tell you, cause I was consumed by fear
Confusion was the next expression,
leaving both parties lost in question
Silence filled the room..
she could tell that what she said was being ripped apart like her youth from her at home
she continued by explaining how her own mother didn't believe her...
instead she chose to.. ignore, disown and beat her
feeling alone and betrayed by her own family
she fell into herself...
having men sexually raise HER self esteem
lost in the colorless haze
her children, by her, weren't raised
fighting an up hill battle
she pulled herself together, cause those problems SHE had to tackle
so let me bring you to the here and now
and tell you what I said to her some how
"I know on paper your just my half, but in my heart you are my whole
im so sorry, I wish I could have been there to help you through the devils turmoil"
after those words left my lips
those thoughts remained in disbeliefs grips
so through the files I had to look
hoping that what was found showed her words to be read from a book
put the photo's side by side....
silence...
my "niece" has my ears, nose, lips and eyes.....damn

You

When you hurt

i hurt

When you cry

I wipe my eyes

When life weighs you down

I feel the onslaught of pounds

When you laugh and smile

My cheeks hurt like i've been running for miles

The feeling you get from looking at creation

Is the feeling i get when i see you..overwhelming elation

If you were to leave this earth

I know for sure i'd do the opposite of birth

Flattery

why do you ask so much of me
Like knowing my life, is an impending emergency
i answer your Rolodex filled with questions
one after the other, you hit me with the next one
why pretend like your interested in my "entire"
when in reality your more interested in conquering the "empire"
i understand i shouldn't prejudge
but, come on, when your built like me and hear constant reference to your body
not letting your walls down is a must
there will always be those
that want to impose
try to pull the wool over my eyes
well guess what my hands can still feel through your disguise
book smarts aren't whats needed
its the street smarts my family supplied that keep me from emotionally bleeding
my shield isn't impenetrable
its only meant to be shattered by the person who breaks it with the key
not by a fuse lit by force followed by dynamite ready to explode
don't insult me
by trying to remove my clothes with mindless flattery

today

i often find myself.... always by myself...
wondering about life's simplistic days and complicated nights..
i sit on endless hills configuring faster was to the finish line...
i consider myself rather intelligent but ignorant to my own destiny...
finding myself swept up in "me" with sporadic views of others scenery..
too few time's do i relish on my own future..
i rather the season pass of others joy...
sulking in the black, smoke filled space of a mind..
reaching out for the partly cloudy but always settle for the rain..
every glimpse of a semi-smooth day..quickly fills my body with satisfaction..
yearning for change, practically crying out for it...but rarely taking action...
"not living up to your potential" has never been uttered by an outsider..
but forever echoes in my mind, along side the hurt and evil laughter...
the desire for happiness lurks in every thought..
i stand there destitute, like a toy-less tot...
one day...one day.. i tell myself..
but whats the point, if history is due to repeat itself...