insight on a "mind"

I dont wanna grow up

2010-06-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

Creativity seeping through my pours. Originality becomes a perplexing task, since most things have been done. A repetitious cycle i wanted to pass. Everyday I sit and evaluate my life, Ive realized I'm not doing too well. I'm beginning to believe and wanting to believe that this lack of change is solely due to me not breaking free from my family. Ive been questioning whether or not the relationships Ive chosen are the right ones. If my moving to South Carolina with my sister and leaving behind everything i know and everyone i know is the right choice. I question my intentions with the person I'll end up with and if taking them with me to South Carolina even though I'm already having second thoughts about being involved, is a good idea. Temptation to give into the urge to quit is growing harder to fight. Quit this life, this job, everything. I know I'm not as mean as i feel or as mean as I'm perceived. I'm more emotionless than mean, more sarcastic and cynical than brash and abrasive. It takes a certain type of person to get what I'm saying, because I don't always smile or laugh when i talk.

Blahhh Useless rhetoric anyway. I'm not saying anything that anyone would consider life changing...well not now anyway

2010-06-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

Running Running Running, non stop..Random Thoughts of suicide, repeated thoughts of another-cide. Would it be irresponsible of me to just give up and walk away, leaving those that came to know me, lost and without answers. Or would it be more irresponsible of me to erase everyone else. Running Running Running, non stop...healths being affected now my job. I can no longer separate thee outside stressers from the inside stressers, they are now fused together. Running Running Running, non stop...I can now hear them talking for me and thinking for me, these sounds..these noises, these voices are taking over my life. They've done it twice before, both times convincing me to take thee easy way out. First time was with pills, those just caused me more physical pain and cause me to throw up blood..but i just locked myself in the bathroom and passed out on thee floor. The second time I was able to put up more of a fight, "them" and I battled over whether or not I should drink that bleach that was on thee shelf over thee washer and dryer. I went for a long walk instead. I was able to silence them up until about 2yrs ago, now they are even stronger than before. I put on a show, as to not alarm anybody, because when i finally lose this battle (which I'm positive I will) I don't want anybody there to stop me. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained..I can no longer pretend that I'm sane and that these demons don't still remain inside my brain. I don't wanna fight anymore, I've tried writing it out, sitting back and reviewing my life and trying to force myself to realize that my life isn't as bad as "them" make it seem. Alcohol helps me to relax, but I don't want to become and alcoholic. I've even gone so far as to consider other drugs, but my common sense won't allow it. What else can I do.. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.. Running Running Running, non stop...then pop...poof..no more.

27 voices and none of em like you

2010-05-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Beautiful can be ugly...intellectual aggravation...feels like I'm trapped in a game of tether ball...on one side: relationship, fulfilment and happiness..on thee other: solitude, confinement, anger and loneliness; guess which side is winning

I want to silence these voices and human emotions, but more often than not do I find myself out of control..do you like me past my exterior or are you intrigued by thee thoughts of thee feel of my interior??

When you see me..do you see ME, or do you see thee me that I've allowed you to see..ritualistically and meticulously i give you thee sides you undoubtedly requested..even though its frequently unasked....your eyes tell and smile tell on you..your body language was in on it too...

If you were given thee opportunity to sit down and capture every angle of me..you would see that beautiful can be ugly...

Scattered thoughts

2010-05-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

Constant Complaint .....On Off, In Out
Painstaking Moments .....Up down, Back forth
Thoughts Incomplete .....When is enough, enough
Lessons Unlearned ..... Should I be worried that I want more
Have I received all I need out of a life I didn't request??
Left Right .....I bow my head,
not for the reasons most may think.....
I'm exhausted

Ponder

2010-05-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

The existence of me diminishes

until your wants outweigh your lust

Never knew I could disgust

Someone I use to love so much

It seems like just yesterday

you were trembling from my touch

How could you ignore

the one YOU sought after

I released myself to you

Realization, remain a bachelor

Harsh realities

I would rather leave to fantasy

I guess this means that's it

I don't think I will ever get use to thee feeling of Quit

Would I

2010-05-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Would I be upset

If a wave of violence swept this earth, leaving behind nothing but carnage and the signs of your "God" reaching "its" limit
If evil crept into my house through the garage door and erased the memories and existence of my family
If tomorrow there were no more images of today to create a yesterday
If the sounds of creation were no longer bouncing off my ear drums
If joblessness and homelessness happened simultaneously and I was forced to become dependant upon those I dislike the most
If all relevance to me was no more and those I knew before developed amnesia.

Would I be upset

Bewildered

2010-03-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

And it strikes again,

When i think I've developed a system that works for everybody, it gets shot down by someone who (after some time for analysis of situation) cant take it...Ive seriously never understood how me removing myself from a person when I'm going through a "mental rough patch," could cause them to feel hurt, abandoned, or confused..

I have this disgusting tendency to shut down, shut off, disappear, and withdraw myself from thee person that likes/loves me thee most...I don't know thee exact reason as to why i do it...

But i have made time for some much needed self discovery...

I'm a member of thee COMMITMENT PHOEBES..

I think that a monogamous relationship is undoubtedly thee most stressful and overwhelming thing a person has to endure...Ive noticed that when someone gives me everything they've got, i turn away..Its happened with every relationship and with potentials... They love me..wanna "wife" me..and make their lives all about me...and then it hits..I don't want to use thee word disgusted but its a feeling close to that...I start to feel trapped, stuck, tired, annoyed, exhausted, and aged..like my life just stopped..

I have never viewed getting and being involved with someone as a happy transition into adulthood...Honestly i can thank my parents for that...I have an unhealthy view of relationships..I'm actually confused by love, now don't get me wrong I'm not saying it doesn't exist,

However, I've never wholeheartedly felt it...I've said it and not believed enough in it when thee last letter of thee word left my lips..

I have yet to develop thee ability to feel..and by that i mean the feeling of caring, love, and concern,

There's more so a lingering feeling of remorse, and irritation...

Intimacy just throws me way off track..and by intimacy i mean...feeling close, touching, nesting, and coupling...

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT???

its not normal..then again what is normal?

Maybe I'm spiritually torn..i have a lot of inner demons that I've been fighting since childhood..

Maybe it stems from thee lack of peace i have with this stage of my life..

I'm nowhere near where i wanna be.. and maybe I'm trying to prevent my short falls from trickling down into a relationship

I prefer to act alone as to not be thee reason why someone else grieves or fails..

I don't want to end up like my great aunt Effie..so id rather die now single and in my current state of "mind"

Hazy Daze

2010-03-12T13:34:00.000-08:00

Manic depressive...noooo..lets go with bipolar..then I have an opportunity for happiness..
Hypocondriac..evil..a walking disappointment..an oblivious conniving charade..
A mental facade corrupt by emotional inadequacies..surrounded and controlled by someone else's thoughts..
Like..

"You may think I'm nothing special, but I'm special to HER...she likes my hands, my ears, my eyes, my curves..like a blanket covering her mirror, she cant see herself without ME..Us finished?..no more?..Now that would be a crime against humanity."

Or even..

"How dare you look into my eyes and lie..Commit crimes against emotion and say LOVE."

Manipulative mind..with a malicious spirit..a kind hearted soul..with the anger and vigor of a lion..I think in double standard and simplify what's been simplified..I complicate the unnecessary..I traipse back and forth over thoughts..a tug-of-war between sane and insanity..an up hill battle i'm attempting with one leg..I despise the joy brought on by insincerity and laugh at the pain felt by the incompetent..
Mental blockade..
Thoughts stagnated by the municipalities and litigation of the cerebellum..
A process for which no resolution is in sight

What To Do

2010-01-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

Mental take down
can't fight it
over powered
continuously masking real emotion
put on a good face
to save face
truthful to those that matter
closed to those that don't
walls as high as the tallest building
refusal to show you the person i am
cant let you get too close
afraid you'll judge me
see a part of me
that i don't see
...paranoia???...
CAN anybody see
that I'm not being
the person i was put on this earth to be???
id rather be a slave to the economy
than to allow you visual and mental stimulation
exposure of my talents??
I'm my biggest critic, I judge myself so harshly
so i settle
fully aware that i could be one of the greats
but I'd rather deprive you of me
and leave this earth the way i came in it...alone

why me

2010-01-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

Lost in a whirlwind of heartbreak and disappointment
Catapulted by someone or thing who thought i could handle it
Misery loves company but I'm always by myself
Intentionally isolating my negative from everyone else
The joy of birth, overshadowed by death
Not even during a celebration can we enjoy the gift
So sick of this life, but too intelligent to give up
You'd think after so much, we'd wise up
I quit, give up, I surrender
Don't want responsibility anymore,
so often said but always ignored
Amazed that no one can tell I'm reaching my limit
I talk a big game but I'm done i admit it
Maybe I'm not as strong as i think
I'm disappearing, into my own troubles i sink
I put my self last, spouse second, family first
putting an end to that line up, would make things worse
Seeing every relationship beginning and ending the same
They cant handle it and I'm alone again
I give so much and ask for so little in return
But where would i go to seek it, animosity caused bridges to burn
Never ahead or even caught up
Generation after the next, with no long term set ups
It was given to me to change these things
But that's something that i wish had skipped me
Haven't been given the opportunity to start my life
All my goals have been set aside
To make life comfortable for my "pride"

2009-11-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

She said, "when we were kids 'the guy' raped me"...response to her statement was a solid blank stare
She said, "I didn't know how to tell you, cause I was consumed by fear
Confusion was the next expression,
leaving both parties lost in question
Silence filled the room..
she could tell that what she said was being ripped apart like her youth from her at home
she continued by explaining how her own mother didn't believe her...
instead she chose to.. ignore, disown and beat her
feeling alone and betrayed by her own family
she fell into herself...
having men sexually raise HER self esteem
lost in the colorless haze
her children, by her, weren't raised
fighting an up hill battle
she pulled herself together, cause those problems SHE had to tackle
so let me bring you to the here and now
and tell you what I said to her some how
"I know on paper your just my half, but in my heart you are my whole
im so sorry, I wish I could have been there to help you through the devils turmoil"
after those words left my lips
those thoughts remained in disbeliefs grips
so through the files I had to look
hoping that what was found showed her words to be read from a book
put the photo's side by side....
silence...
my "niece" has my ears, nose, lips and eyes.....damn

You

2009-11-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

When you hurt

i hurt

When you cry

I wipe my eyes

When life weighs you down

I feel the onslaught of pounds

When you laugh and smile

My cheeks hurt like i've been running for miles

The feeling you get from looking at creation

Is the feeling i get when i see you..overwhelming elation

If you were to leave this earth

I know for sure i'd do the opposite of birth

Flattery

2009-11-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

why do you ask so much of me
Like knowing my life, is an impending emergency
i answer your Rolodex filled with questions
one after the other, you hit me with the next one
why pretend like your interested in my "entire"
when in reality your more interested in conquering the "empire"
i understand i shouldn't prejudge
but, come on, when your built like me and hear constant reference to your body
not letting your walls down is a must
there will always be those
that want to impose
try to pull the wool over my eyes
well guess what my hands can still feel through your disguise
book smarts aren't whats needed
its the street smarts my family supplied that keep me from emotionally bleeding
my shield isn't impenetrable
its only meant to be shattered by the person who breaks it with the key
not by a fuse lit by force followed by dynamite ready to explode
don't insult me
by trying to remove my clothes with mindless flattery

today

2009-11-16T19:07:00.000-08:00

i often find myself.... always by myself...
wondering about life's simplistic days and complicated nights..
i sit on endless hills configuring faster was to the finish line...
i consider myself rather intelligent but ignorant to my own destiny...
finding myself swept up in "me" with sporadic views of others scenery..
too few time's do i relish on my own future..
i rather the season pass of others joy...
sulking in the black, smoke filled space of a mind..
reaching out for the partly cloudy but always settle for the rain..
every glimpse of a semi-smooth day..quickly fills my body with satisfaction..
yearning for change, practically crying out for it...but rarely taking action...
"not living up to your potential" has never been uttered by an outsider..
but forever echoes in my mind, along side the hurt and evil laughter...
the desire for happiness lurks in every thought..
i stand there destitute, like a toy-less tot...
one day...one day.. i tell myself..
but whats the point, if history is due to repeat itself...

Whose Fault...

2009-10-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

Waking up everyday in a house of love lost..
wondering to myself why do the kids have to pay the cost..
first thought ambition gone
one that follows mudane welcome..
deceit, malice and sorrowful mournful cry's
of..why....why...
alcohol fueled arguments..
about lifes set in stone events...
passing judgement on others achievements..
allowing us to feel the hatred you have for us..
not our fault we weren't planned
we weren't an intended burden
never understood why this is allowed
why we live in a constant bullshit cloud
0-4-15..yes including the last two
planning on taking something out if not me then just you
lost attempts at reconciliation
but an embracing of horrendous contemplation
all to often, are thoughts of atheism
tryin to simplify "his" reasoning..
but i couldnt if opportunity was given
always wanting this feeling to subside
and when i think its happened i get depressed realizing
how often i failed when tried..

Whose fault is it

2009-10-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Contentment...

Never embracing change...
shying away from whats different and out of the norm..
Happy with as is..
Never rocking the boat..
Ambitious goal setting to alter lifes focus,
seldom crossed the path of whats for breakfast..
Day in and day out, a ground hogs day carbon copy..
Smiles from last week ..
thoughts of last years bliss..
Never making a fuss..
fine with this months taste of things past..
Setteling for the day time "person" t.v
utilizing them for self explaination..
Mentality of a machine programmed and set to internal joy's calendar...

Contentment

Aggravation

2009-10-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

6:30am
Aggravation sets in..
one eye opens and its like the devil is holding my emotional strings..
I step foot into the shower
hot water on..a drop touches my skin and i feel empowered...
tooth paste to brush and i scrub til blood exposes its self...
face put on...hair pulled back..
Aggravation
foot to the gas pedal.. hands to the wheel..
pull out the garage engulfed by the feeling of sorrow, turmoil, dread, and agony..
first light to the last..
Aroused by the feeling of sight satisfaction when the red one shines in..
im about to lose my mind
with each passing tick tock of time..
every moment i sit..theres no allowance to just be..
something about the things needed is an immediate shout out to me..
bliss is a thought that soon is null and void..
im given a quick glimpse of the new
outside the window..but even that is snatched away..
when the realization of peer incompetence takes over the devils mind..
one, two, three, four...person after person that walks through those doors...
its a constant, relentless, non-stop Aggravation...
and seems like im the only one participating

2009-10-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Her tongue barely brushes up against my clit
and i could feel it whispering pulsate...pulsate...
My body tenses..my toes curl and my back begins to arch...
i can feel my lip plump so i lick them...enticing her, inviting her to do her will..
As she begins to tell my body whats in store
i snap back to realize she hadnt said a word..
my eyes roll back and my legs being to shake..
She looks up at me and asks "babe you okay"..
i open my mouth to answer but nothing comes out..
she asks again and nothing still...
i notice a slight lift in her top lip as she lets out a chuckle..
She goes in even faster and deeper..
i grab the back of her head and start to ride her face..
the sound of "us" fills the room..
she flips me over then grabs and pulls my hair..
she now allows her fingers to continue the story..
I push back into her..in and out.. in and out..
i allow my body to relax..i can feel it coming but i fight it...
the sensation takes over my body and now my mind..
As the overwhelming feeling of ecstasy overpowers..
i open up my mouth and release her name..shouting...."..."

emotions explaination

2009-10-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Love isnt about convenience
my love for you is because you know my thoughts before i think them
Love isnt about the surrounding everyday aesthetics
Its when you say im gorgeous in the morning and meant it
Love isnt about worry or stress that can consume my every thought..
Its about light hearted care free days that only someone that was made for me could have brought
Love isnt about the overwhelming feeling of dread..
Its about seeing a simple reference to your name that puts thoughts of pleasant things past in my head
Love isnt a nuisance, antagonistic, depressing, ignorant, egotistical or unappealing...
Its whimsical, joyous, sentamental, and more than just a word or a feeling
Love isnt something you say because you hear it often...
Its because the word "love" stirs up an appetite for the sight, taste, touch, feel and warm thought of this person whose soul has something

A feeling

2009-10-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

so then let me sooth your mind and guide you into that rem state of sleep..
listen to thee words slipn through my moist lips as they creep into your ear
first sound you hear is the begining of thee word that awakens thee area of pleasure
as your music box opens and your dancer stands at attention
the second word you hear requires your draw bridge to lower
you become more and more relaxed with every letter
to every word that passes through my now plump wet mouth..
i begin to breath the third word into you as your breath escapes u faster and faster
noticing your body growing more and more relaxed
i whisper thee fourth and final word into your ear..
your body is now consumed with thee feeling of ...*sigh*..yes