Bewildered

And it strikes again,

When i think I've developed a system that works for everybody, it gets shot down by someone who (after some time for analysis of situation) cant take it...Ive seriously never understood how me removing myself from a person when I'm going through a "mental rough patch," could cause them to feel hurt, abandoned, or confused..

I have this disgusting tendency to shut down, shut off, disappear, and withdraw myself from thee person that likes/loves me thee most...I don't know thee exact reason as to why i do it...

But i have made time for some much needed self discovery...

I'm a member of thee COMMITMENT PHOEBES..

I think that a monogamous relationship is undoubtedly thee most stressful and overwhelming thing a person has to endure...Ive noticed that when someone gives me everything they've got, i turn away..Its happened with every relationship and with potentials... They love me..wanna "wife" me..and make their lives all about me...and then it hits..I don't want to use thee word disgusted but its a feeling close to that...I start to feel trapped, stuck, tired, annoyed, exhausted, and aged..like my life just stopped..

I have never viewed getting and being involved with someone as a happy transition into adulthood...Honestly i can thank my parents for that...I have an unhealthy view of relationships..I'm actually confused by love, now don't get me wrong I'm not saying it doesn't exist,

However, I've never wholeheartedly felt it...I've said it and not believed enough in it when thee last letter of thee word left my lips..

I have yet to develop thee ability to feel..and by that i mean the feeling of caring, love, and concern,

There's more so a lingering feeling of remorse, and irritation...

Intimacy just throws me way off track..and by intimacy i mean...feeling close, touching, nesting, and coupling...

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT???

its not normal..then again what is normal?

Maybe I'm spiritually torn..i have a lot of inner demons that I've been fighting since childhood..

Maybe it stems from thee lack of peace i have with this stage of my life..

I'm nowhere near where i wanna be.. and maybe I'm trying to prevent my short falls from trickling down into a relationship

I prefer to act alone as to not be thee reason why someone else grieves or fails..

I don't want to end up like my great aunt Effie..so id rather die now single and in my current state of "mind"

Hazy Daze

Manic depressive...noooo..lets go with bipolar..then I have an opportunity for happiness..
Hypocondriac..evil..a walking disappointment..an oblivious conniving charade..
A mental facade corrupt by emotional inadequacies..surrounded and controlled by someone else's thoughts..
Like..

"You may think I'm nothing special, but I'm special to HER...she likes my hands, my ears, my eyes, my curves..like a blanket covering her mirror, she cant see herself without ME..Us finished?..no more?..Now that would be a crime against humanity."

Or even..

"How dare you look into my eyes and lie..Commit crimes against emotion and say LOVE."

Manipulative mind..with a malicious spirit..a kind hearted soul..with the anger and vigor of a lion..I think in double standard and simplify what's been simplified..I complicate the unnecessary..I traipse back and forth over thoughts..a tug-of-war between sane and insanity..an up hill battle i'm attempting with one leg..I despise the joy brought on by insincerity and laugh at the pain felt by the incompetent..
Mental blockade..
Thoughts stagnated by the municipalities and litigation of the cerebellum..
A process for which no resolution is in sight